Since it has been a while since my last post and in case you have forgotten. Yvan and I rented a nightmare. Seriously, if you stumbled into this house at night you would immediately begin looking for a guy with a mask and a chainsaw. Its that bad.
Now, I'm no stranger to bugs, but infestations are a another story. Yvan and I came to the house one night before we had officially moved in. We had driven back from a rodeo and it was around 10PM. I really don't even remember why we went there but it only took five seconds for me to tell him we weren't staying. As soon as I flicked the switch roaches went EVERYWHERE. I thought I would vomit. My eyes had never seen anything like it. To be fair, they weren't those gigantic waterbugs we normally refer to as roaches, but they were still gross. Also, unlike most waterbugs, the light did not faze them. There was no scampering for a dark corner or a cabinet or even the space under the fridge. They simply continued about their business, much like some of my students after the tardy bell. Horrified, I turned to Yvan and without even speaking, he knew what I was thinking. No way in hell would I be sleeping there, and what did he plan to do about it. With a Wal-Mart right down the road, we headed that way to pick up every kind of roach killer known to man. We bought sprays, foggers, gels and bait, and immediately headed back to the house to unleash our poisons upon the invaders. We used everything in are arsenal, saving the foggers for last and then heading back to the pest free home of my grandparents.
The next day, Yvan returned survey the damage. I believe his exact words were, "It looks like a war zone in there." Victory was ours. Or so I thought. Yvan left for Canada that weekend, and I took to unpacking. It didn't take long to realize that roaches weren't gone. They hadn't even slightly diminished. When I opened a cabinet, they were there. When I opened the blinds, they would fall out. Later, I would find one in the microwave. I quickly learned to unpack with one hand and spray with the other. Since, it seemed that the majority of these little invaders were based in the kitchen and made my first offensive stand there. I gelled the corners of every cabinet and counter and floor. I sprayed each cabinet shelf in its entirety before covering it with shelf liner. Any crack or crevice was immediately filled with gel poison. They were not going to beat me!
Here are some fun facts I bet you didn't know about roaches.
- Heat will bring them out of hiding. The first time I cooked in the oven, they scrambled out of the cabinet faster than I could spray them.
- Roach bait does not work.
- They learn
- One minute in a microwave is not long enough. Yes, I found one there. Yes, I turned the microwave on. No, the little sucker did not die.
Roaches were not our only problem. Due to my poisonous assault upon the kitchen, there was a lot of clean up to do. I began the tedious chore of vacuuming the floor and counter tops. When I put the vacuum hose behind the microwave, there was that unmistakable sound of the hose getting clogged. My first thought, "What the hell kind of roach is big enough to clog a vacuum hose?" Well kids, there isn't. What is big enough to cause that kind of suction loss is a wolf spider. I turned to turn off the vacuum and heard it hit the ground. At first I didn't recognize it as a spider. It was all rolled up into a little ball. Suddenly, it flipped over and began to uncurl. She wasn't alone. You must be wondering how I am so sure about the sex of this nasty little creature. Well, the hundreds of baby spiders that came flying off her back answered that question. I immediately begin screaming and spraying. Those babies were fast! I think the shock of almost going through a vacuum hose paralyzed the momma because once she rolled over, she never moved. This would not be my last encounter with an oversized momma spider. At least Yvan was home the next time. I had just gone to bed and being the loving husband that he is picked up the blanket that I kick off the bed every night and threw it back up top. He jumped in the shower and I got up to take my medicine. While walking back out of the bathroom something caught my eye on the piece of the blanket that was still on the floor. That's right people. Another momma, with another batch of babies. I start yelling about the spider and without looking at what my fuss was about, Yvan just tells me to kill it. With what? A shotgun? There was no spraying it this time, it was on the blanket with all its babies. I finally pitch a big enough fit that Yvan peeks out of the bathroom to assess the situation himself. His reaction was the same as mine. The vacuum cleaner is our only realistic hope. I take the nozzle off, you know, so it will fit through this time. After making sure their are no babies trying to escape, I instruct Yvan to take the vacuum cleaner outside where it stays for almost a week.
They day I came home and Yvan said it was time to find a new place to live was music to my ears. We found a great one a have a contract on it. That contract is now on its third fourth extension but whose counting? That's another blog for another day.
